Things I have learning about parenting

This past year or so I've had a few encounters and conversations with some first time mums. And I've come to realize that with my 8,6 and 3 year olds I've graduated past my relevancy point with the new mom crowd. They are all having those same conversations I had with my friends back when we all were new moms but really they aren't interested in hearing from someone who has already gone through those stages. They want to commiserate and ask for advice from people who are going through them right now.  I see the looks on their faces when I share and in the back of my head I'm thinking, wait a minute...my youngest is 3!  How is what I have to say irrelevant?  Is it because my advice and experiences don't gel with whatever parenting guru they are adamantly following right now?  So Ferber, Sears or Baby Whisperer here is my take on it all.
1.- there is no one right way to parent.  Some ways are better than others.  But for the most part if you are using common sense and doing what works best for you and your child you are doing great.
2. - babies, like people in general are all different.  What may work for one baby may not for another.
3. - once someone finds something that works for them they are convinced it is the best only way to parent - while this may be helpful for that parent, it can make another parent feel horrible and inadequate.  Case in point:  I was part of a baby feeding group put on by our hospital when my first was an infant.  At one meeting the issue of sleep came up (as it inevitably does) and one parent was so chipper to say, "My daughter started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks and has ever since, I don't know what the big deal is."  The big deal for the rest of us blurry eyed parents is that you really need to just keep that to yourself for right now.
4. - very few babies are the snapshot perfect babies who meet every developmental milestone at the exact right time.  Some babies walk early at 9 months, some a little later at 15 months.  In the big picture the when isn't a big deal.  Most of them will eventually get there.  The same goes with sleeping through the night and potty training.  I have yet to hear about a child who didn't get into university because they potty trained at 3 and a half instead of 2.
5. - telling a parent that this certain way will work (because it worked for them) is useless advice for a parent who has honestly tried it and found it not to work for them.  Trying to convince them otherwise  only creates feeling of animosity and inadequacy.  Why not take more time to reassure them instead?  Why don't we spend more time building each other up as moms instead of going into Camp Ferber and Camp Sears like a war zone.  I was an attachment parent before I even knew there was a term for such a thing.   A colleague of mine  found Cry it Out worked for them.  Great.  I was a long term nurser for each of my babies.  My sister in law nursed for a few months and then switched over to formula.  Another friend of mine used formula right away.  Great. 
6. - find what works for you and keep doing it.  If it isn't working, try something else and see how that goes.  Maybe you will find one method is THE method.  Maybe you won't.  Maybe you will find that taking a little bit of this and a little bit of that will be the thing.  You may also find that what worked with your baby last week has suddenly changed because your baby just got that much older that they need something else.  Just roll with it and keep on rolling with it.  I remember a friend of mine observing with her babies, "oh you are doing this now, and you don't want to do that anymore."  So true.  Those babies are amazing little people who are learning and growing at a phenomenal rate.  So stop worrying so much and take the time to enjoy it!
7. - Yes, you will be tired.  Yes, you will have moments complete frustration.  Yes, you will question yourself.  Yes, you will wonder what the heck were you thinking.  Yes, you will make mistakes.  But...yes, you will sleep again.  Yes, you will relax.  Yes, you will find successes.  Yes, you will realize that what you were thinking is that this little person is worth it.  You will find that you love deeper and more completely than you ever realized was possible.  You will find that place in the quiet of the night at 3am when it is just you and your baby.  You will find that in their first little smile at you.  You will find that when you see their complete trust in you as they take their first wobbly steps towards your open arms.  You will find that when they utter the syllables "mama" for the first time.  When they hold your hand and say, "I love you".  And you love them too.
 

Mom moments to remember

About a week or so ago, I was really needing a boost. I didn't realize it would come from my kids. After bedtime prayers with my 5 year old he looked at me and said, "Mom, you sound just like an angel when you pray" As if that wasn't enough to melt my heart, that same evening his 2 year old sister cuddled into me during her bedtime tuck tucks and said, "Mama, you're the whole wide world". I am truly blessed.

Our kids notice everything we do so...

I've noticed an increase in the volume of my children. They are loud. It drives me bananas sometimes. And I go, "why can't you just be quieter?"

"Why must you yell and shout at each other?"

"Stop it!"

And then my husband and I were having one of those deep meaningful parenting talks that we get into sometimes when the kids are sleeping.  And he mentioned that he noticed us having shorter tempers with the kids.  Our tendency has been to raise our own voices.  No wonder the kids are being loud, they are just doing what we have been modelling for them.  I know it sounds cliche, but actions speak louder than words.  Kids do what they see, not necessarily what they are being told. 

We made the decision to do something about it.  We've started off with small steps.  Example, when it's dinner time, instead of yelling up the stairs for the kids, I take the trek up to their room, knock on their doors and very politely let them know that dinner is ready.  Another example: when my son's friend's mom came to pick him up one afternoon, I didn't yell up to the boys that L's mom was here, I went upstairs, knocked on the door and (again) politely, let them know L's mom was there, they had 5 minutes to clean up so she could get him home for supper.

Amazingly enough (or maybe not so amazingly), the volume of the house has gone down, way down!  There's less protesting from the kids because I'm treating them with respect.  They are speaking kinder to each other because I'm speaking kinder to them.  I'm also taking the time to givepositive time outs and demand (again politely) respect.  If one son starts to yell at the other, I will ask that child to come see me and explain that we do not yell at each other, we need to speak respectfully and listen to each other.  If one child snaps at me and speaks to me rudely, I will point blank tell him that I do not deserve to be spoken to in such a manner.  I will be glad to speak and talk through whatever is bothering him, when he uses a polite tone.  And it's working!

Today, I went to use the main bathroom and saw that there were toothpaste streaks all over the mirror.  It was obvious that one child had gotten toothpaste on it and used a facecloth to try to get it off, but all they ended up with was a big mess.  Now, in previous times I would have yelled down the stairs for both boys to come up and explain it and then probably bawl them out for doing it.  Today, I walked down and in a very kind voice asked if one of them knew what happened to the mirror.  At first, they seemed to have no idea what I was talking about, so I asked them to follow me up the stairs, bringing the Windex and a cloth along.  I just explained that it had to have been one of them, and that the considerate thing to do if that happens is to clean the mirror properly so that others could use it, all they have to do is ask for help.  My oldest then spoke up and said that it was him and that it was an accident, he didn't know what to do and thought he'd be in trouble.  I told him there was no trouble, and we cleaned off the mess together.  He then returned to what he was doing before and both of us stayed relaxed and content.  What a difference!  I think this is really going to work.  I just have to remember to keep it up and keep my own cool!  After all, it's up to me to teach my children about respect and manners and if I'm not modelling it for them, then what?

 

Be Nice - a little Mama venting

Once a week this year my oldest child has had an after school sports activity where there are a lot of other children involved. Part of parenting is dealing with the wait time with the younger siblings. Keep them busy, keep them entertained, keep them from complaining they are bored waiting for their brother. I usually come prepared with a few toys (and a bonus one in my purse just in case) and a couple of snacks. There are of course other younger siblings waiting in the common area for their older brothers and sisters to finish sports so we can go. The younger siblings have been okay with this. As kids do they come up with their own classic games to pass the time: follow the leader, races and tag being the favorites. What I don't get is the parents who blatantly ignore the younger siblings all together. For me it's a no brainer, I can keep an eye on my older son's sports while still supervising my younger children. Many of the other mothers don't seem to see it that way. They take the time to gossip and text instead.
This can get increasingly annoying.  Often, I would take my 2 little ones to another part of the sports complex for a change of scene and to keep them out of the line of fire of the 'unwatched' children.
A couple of weeks ago, my kids were having a great time playing with these other kids.  And then this little boy came over and grabbed my daughter's arm and squeezed as hard as he could.  My daughter screamed and ran to me crying and said, "no like little boy" (they are both 2).  I told her she didn't have to play with him, just stay away from him, she could just sit with Mommy instead for a while.  My other child continued to play.  As soon as my daughter was soothed she wanted to rejoin the fun.  Well the poor thing, this little boy must have had some interest in my little girl because he ran right up to her again and did the same thing.  The mother paid no attention.  I thought about moving my kids but there was this part of me thinking, "why should my kids miss out on playing with other kids just because this one mom won't take responsibility?" So I gave it one more chance.
Sure enough it happened again.  This time the mother noticed my daughter crying, not her son grabbing and hurting her.   She asked me what was wrong and I told her.  Her response?  "Be nice!" to her son.  That was it.  "Be nice".  Be nice?  Seriously, that's it?  He's 2!  What does "Be nice" mean to him?  Absolutely nothing!  There's no consequence in that!  There's no teaching in that.  Be nice is a nothing!  So frustrating!  It was at this point, I took my kids and moved somewhere else.  I felt bad that my son had to leave his fun times with tag, but I couldn't put my daughter through that again.  I mean what else are you going to do?  It isn't my job to discipline and monitor other people's children.  That was two weeks ago, since then, I haven't bothered going to that common area at all (although my son would like to), we go somewhere else, where I know we aren't going to have to deal with that.  Seriously - take responsibility for your children!
Here's what would "Be Nice"
-it would be nice if you watched your kid
-it would be nice if you put your phone away
-it would be nice if you gave your kid a consequence for hurting my kid
-it would be nice if you took your kid for a walk so my kids could play without fear
-it would be nice told your kid to keep his hands to himself
-it would be nice if you said "no grabbing"
-it would be nice if you said "grabbing hurts"
-it would be nice if you were paying attention so you could stop your kid from hurting mine

 

*on a side note, I know I'm not the perfect parent by any means so I usually don't rag out about other parents, but this has been driving me nuts for a while and needed to be said!